Easy Dating Store

By eHarmony.com

We hear it from every direction, don’t we? “You’ve got to talk it through. When you two are fighting, the best thing to do is to communicate.” Okay, that’s a good rule of thumb. But there are clear exceptions to that rule—like when the costs outweigh the benefits.

In other words, there are times when a couple simply needs to stop talking. Here are five specific times when, instead of talking more, it’s probably best to just be quiet.

Stop Talking when one of you isn’t Ready to Talk

There are times when someone’s simply not in a good place to have a fruitful discussion. Maybe that person is extra busy at the moment. Maybe he or she is intensely focused on something else, or is just plain uncomfortable with the subject. If you have something on your mind and your partner isn’t ready to talk about it, don’t force the issue. But let your partner know you want to talk. Say something like “I want to talk about what happened last night. It doesn’t have to be right now, but I’d like to discuss it soon. Will you let me know when you’re ready?” That’s all it takes to make sure your partner is in a more receptive space before you begin.

Stop Talking when you’ve said it a Million Times

If you’ve been telling your partner ever since you met that it drives you crazy when he chews with his mouth open, and he still hasn’t stopped, then give it a rest for a while. Or if you two constantly argue over how long it should take to get ready for a date, now might be the time to take a semi-permanent break from that conversation. At some point you’ve got to realize that talking hasn’t done much good and, in this case, is not going to provide a solution. There are times you simply have to agree to disagree, or table all discussion on the matter for, say, the next six months. The bottom line is that you need to give up the conversations you keep having over and over and over without any resolution. They will only grind both of you down.

Stop Talking when one of you is Being Extremely Unreasonable

Imagine that you’ve initiated a discussion about finances or the future, and your partner flies off the handle, condemning your attitude and accusing you of attacking her: “You’re always criticizing me and you never appreciate what I do for you!” You may not know exactly where this strong emotion is coming from—maybe something happened at work, or maybe your partner had a negative interaction with a friend or a family member—but you know that at this particular moment, your partner isn’t being fully reasonable.

At this point, the wisest tack is to avoid discussing either the issue or the bizarre behavior. Instead, just pull back from the conversation. If you can do it without sounding condescending, you might even say something like “I didn’t mean to upset you. We can talk about this later if you’d rather. I can give you some space right now if you need it.” You don’t need to be judgmental—after all, this happens to all of us from time to time. Just take a break until a little more sanity enters the picture. Of course, the same holds true when the shoe is on the other foot. When you’re feeling a little insane and your emotions are like a ticking time bomb, you need to give yourself some space.

Too many couples try to have rational conversations when one partner is in an irrational space. It never works. So the next time one of you is being unreasonable, put off any serious discussions and provide a space for sanity. Then, once you’ve had some time away from each other, you’ll be much more likely to have a more rational conversation.

Stop Talking if you have a Limited Amount of Time

You know you’ll be at the movie theater in five minutes. Or you’re about to meet friends for dinner, or arrive at a party. You have only a small amount of time, and that can be one of the worst moments to initiate a conversation about something that really matters or that you care a lot about. The danger is that you will simply introduce the topic—perhaps a complaint about how your partner handled a certain situation, or a controversial issue that you disagree about—and then you’ll have to stop the conversation just as things are beginning to heat up emotionally. Then, all of a sudden, you’re both upset, but you can’t continue the discussion because you’re meeting your friends or entering the party. You’ll have a hard time enjoying yourself because of the high emotions you’re experiencing. Keep in mind, raising an issue when you have only a limited amount of time can cause new problems that are actually bigger than the one you want to address. So if the conversation is going to be contentious in any way, don’t try to “squeeze it in.” Just wait until you have more time.

Stop Talking if you’re Especially Tired

When we get tired, we get more irritable, less reasonable, less tolerant, more defensive, and less patient. Does that sound like a recipe for a good conversation? Do yourself, your partner, and your relationship a favor and avoid serious conversations when one or both of you are really tired.

This may mean banning serious discussions after a certain time in the evening, or when one of you has worked hard or traveled all day. Or maybe you can agree not to debrief about the visit to your parents’ house until the next day. The point is that there are times when you’re going to be tired—physically and/or emotionally—and

at those times, it’s best to put a moratorium on serious or “flammable” conversations. These suggestions are fairly simple, but they also can be difficult to follow, since they call for awareness—about yourself, your partner, and the circumstances. Like so many other relational issues, knowing when to shut up is often about paying attention and putting forth a little effort. If you do your best to remain aware of whatever is going on in terms of your relationship, you’ll be much better at knowing when it’s important to communicate and when it’s best to simply be quiet.

If you’re a living, breathing human being, you are constantly sending out subtle—and not-so-subtle—messages to everyone around you. Like Wi-Fi signals floating unseen through the air, you broadcast hundreds of messages every time you interact with someone. And if you’re dating, you can bet that the people you’re going out with are reading every signal you offer, analyzing each one in an effort to decipher its exact meaning.

The good news is that you can transmit these signals any time you want in order to achieve a desired effect. That’s a lot of power to have over another person. But the bad news is that you’re also sending a steady stream of signals without even knowing it. Your facial expression, your posture, your body language, and even the way you walk and talk are communicating all kinds of things to the person you’re interacting with.

Let’s look at some of the main ways you send signals. This can help you can think about just what it is you’re communicating—intentionally or not—to other people.

You Send Signals with How you Dress

This is one of the most obvious ways to send a message to a person you’re going out with. If you dress to look sexy, you are communicating one thing. If you dress in a way that’s totally casual, you are saying something else. The same goes for whether you look sloppy, well-groomed, successful, or high maintenance. The clothes you wear and the way you wear them are great ways to tell a date a little about yourself, about how you are feeling about the date, and about what you have in mind for the evening.

How you dress can also say something about where you see the relationship headed. There’s nothing wrong with wearing sloppy and ragged clothes around the house, but if that’s what you wear every time you are with the other person, then that may convey that you’ve gotten a bit too comfortable with them. In the same way, there’s nothing wrong with wearing clothes that accentuate your sexiest attributes and send signals that you are really into someone. Just make sure that you’re not broadcasting messages that you don’t mean to. When you get dressed for the date, ask yourself, “Is the way I’m dressed sending the signals I mean to be sending?” If so, then go for it. But if not, you might decide to dress up or dress down a bit, depending on how you want to come across.

You Send Signals with the Invitations you Offer or Accept

Certain dating activities don’t really hold any specific significance at all. Dinner at Chili’s followed by a movie isn’t necessarily going to deliver any precise message regarding your expectations for the evening or the relationship. But other invitations have the potential to communicate plenty. Inviting someone inside for a drink at the end of the date signals that you’re at least open to the idea of the relationship becoming more physically intimate. Asking someone to go away for the weekend implies sex, and maybe even a new level of seriousness in the relationship. You may not always mean to convey that message (or to accept that implied invitation); and, of course, you should never feel obligated to go further than you’re comfortable with simply because of some implied, unspoken agreement. But you want to at least be aware of what messages you’re sending when you offer or accept certain invitations.

You can also transmit unintended signals by choosing date locations that seem to communicate a lack of interest in pleasing the other person. An out-of-the-way little hole-in-the-wall, for instance, can be a great date, especially if you’ve put some thought into choosing the dive. But if your date feels that you’re choosing only cheap restaurants or convenient fast-food joints in your neighborhood, they may begin to wonder how much you care about them and the developing dating relationship.

You Send Signals when you say Nothing at All

There’s an old country song that features the line, “You say it best when you say nothing at all.” It’s definitely true that some of our clearest communication takes place in what we call the nonverbal realm.

Just think of what’s being conveyed when you’re on a date—let’s say it’s a first date—and the person you’re with reaches across the table and lightly touches your hand during your conversation. Or when they move in close while you’re waiting for a taxi. Or when they deliver that “killer look” that lets you know that the date is going really well and that you two are connecting on a powerful level. On the other hand, if the person takes a step back or leans away each time you move a little closer, that communicates that things aren’t going as well (or that you need a breath mint!). Notice that all of this communication takes place without the use of any words at all.

The point is that your nonverbal signals transmit a wealth of information. The extent to which you clue in and make eye contact when the other person is talking lets them know whether you’re interested in them and what they have to say. By the same token, if you follow every one of your statements with a nervous laugh and a quick glance around the room, you’re going to send the signal that you’re insecure or uncomfortable with yourself. On the other hand, if you ask good questions, listen well, and share openly and honestly, then you’ll convey that you’re confident and comfortable with who you are.

The signals you send are like feelings. They aren’t inherently good or bad. But the more aware of them you are, the more you can control the way they affect your life and relationships. So pay attention to what signals you’re sending. Do your best to communicate exactly what you want to communicate so you can avoid having to deal with the messy results of sending a message you didn’t mean to deliver.